Monday, April 30, 2012

One Day At a Time

Tomorrow will be one week since Robert left and yet it feels like it has been so much longer already. I am trying really hard to be OK without him, but it feels like everyday is getting harder rather than easier. I pray that this starts to get better soon, but I know to take it day by day and remember some days are easier than others. Yesterday started out as one of the easier ones. I stayed at my parents house on Saturday night, so I was finally able to sleep in. My dad woke up early and took Jacoby so I could get some much needed rest. I slept in until 10:30, which I must say felt pretty dern good. Then Aniyah, Jacoby and I went to Dunkin Donuts to help cheer Mommy up, since for some reason their bagels with cream cheese make me smile:) We then headed home and relaxed a little. I just lounged on the bed and Jacoby and Aniyah had a blast playing in the playroom. I can't even remember the last time I had such a relaxing day. I feel like I am always going a thousand miles a minute between cleaning, sports for Donovan, work, going to see Robert, or Robert coming home. Finally I decided I had to at least go grocery shopping, so we could feed ourselves for the week. Aniyah fell asleep so I dropped her of to Mom and Jacoby and I went and had some quality time shopping at Target and Publix. We got home and I decided that I would install the new baby gate I bought for the hallway. Well this was the turning point in my good day. I never knew a baby gate could make me so emotional, but the fact is I was overwhelmed by the fact that Robert wasn't here to help me install it and my emotions got the best of me. So I put it to the side and decided I can't do it by myself and I will wait for my mom or dad to come over and help me. Before you laugh because you think what a simple task a baby gate really, this baby gate has to be positioned just right and locked in place becuase it is a permanent gate. So in my defense it could use a man's touch. My point with this whole thing is that women who have their husbands around don't realize the little things they do for them like putting up a baby gate, and it is moments like this when I realize how much I want my husband around and to come back home. After this whole incident I couldn't really function to do anything of value so I just snuggled up my baby boy and watched him sleep. It is amazing how much joy is brought to me; I am so blessed to have him. I finally fell asleep dreaming about Robert being home and everything in my world being complete. At least I have my dreams.

Today was one of those rough days. I went back to work after a week off, which was difficult to get back in my groove. I did get to sleep in and cuddle with my little monster a little longer though due to the fact that I took a half day. My amazing son, Donovan, was awarded student of the month for his class, so I took the morning off to go watch him get his award. Being there makes me so proud of him. He drives me crazy sometimes, but I am truly blessed to have him as my son. At his student of the month celebration he gave me a good laugh, which I was in need of. He got called on stage and received his award, and while he waited on stage he fidgeted and looked like he had to go to the bathroom with his mouth puckered. He is so shy, he gets nervous and doesn't like being the center of attention. It is quite entertaining to watch. I realize that I have to work on his confidence or he is going to have some issues when he gets older. I left there and headed to work. On my way to work I held my phone glancing at it every couple of minutes hoping Robert would call or Skype, so I could fill him in on how the assembly went. I am so used to him being just a phone call away, and me being able to share everything with him.  It really is crazy when I think about how much of my life he consumes when he is home. Though out the day we text and talk a dozen times a day, and when he is gone I feel like part of me is empty. I can't pick up the phone to call, and when I do there is nobody on the other line or nobody to receive my text messages. I got to work finally and so began the rough part. Everybody wants to know how Robert is and how I am doing. I want to say great, but I have this rush of emotion when I am asked or when he is brought up. I just want to scream and tell everybody "No I am not alright. My husband just left to fight is a war and put is life at risk, I am not able to hear his voice or pick up the phone and call him, I don't know where he is or if he is safe or OK, I am alone with my kids who miss him and don't full comprehend why he isn't home with us, and I am longing to be touched by him, and to top it off we don't get to see him until January. Do you really expect me to be alright? How would you deal with this if you were in my shoes?" And that isn't even the worst question I am faced with. I finally made it to my classroom where there was a breath of fresh air from my students who seemed to really miss me (not sure if it is because the sub was that bad or they just really love me:))Then some of them asked me why my husband couldn't just say no he didn't want to deploy, and another asked why he had to go over there when the war was over. I had to fight back tears with both of these comments. First, the fact that I wish he was able to say no and have some kind of control over his life, but that  is not how the military works. The second one hurt the most. My husband and a good amount of our friends are over there fighting in a war that people in America don't even realize is going on. The news gives people the impression that it is over, well we are proof it is not over. Quickly I had to squash the questions from students before I became completely overwhelmed yet again. I got into teaching and realized those kids can take away my pain in an instant and for part of my day make me forget what is going on in my life. At times like these I am happy to be a teacher and can truly say I love my job. And just as I say I love my job, it can become crazy stressful and make me not love it so much. In my last hour of the day, I had an informal observation. Really I was just out of work for a whole week, my husband left and the kids knew it, and I had a sub who didn't do squat with my students, but still the AP felt is was necessary to do an informal observation on me (which I think is cruel). It was rough fielding the questions from this kids, calming them down, and getting them back on focus, but I did it and did great on the observation. After that crazy stressful last hour I got a phone call from Donovan's dad asking me to pick him up from school. This brightened my day a little bit thinking I could spend extra time with my boo. I picked him up and we did some homework and picked up Aniyah and Jacoby. Then we headed to the baseball field. I love watching him play sports, but I know how much Robert loves it too so once again I was a little emotional. I wonder if these crazy water works are going to stop soon. People probably think I am a whack job when they see me just randomly spitting out some tears for no reason. If only they knew what was really going on. Donovan did a great job as usual at his game although between the random emotions and my two crazy babies Aniyah and Jacoby my attention span was not the greatest. Jacoby was so cute out there though. Now that he can walk around he is amazed at the baseball game. He cheers and goes to the fence and watches the game. At one point Donvoan was by the fence in the dug out and Jacoby spotted him. He ran over and stared to scream at him and smile the biggest smile in the world. I am so happy they love each other so much I can tell just by the way they look at each other. I pray that the two of them always have that bond and are there for each other to get them through the hard times and the happy times.  Now my day comes to an end and I lie in my bed writing this post. I am longing to feel my husband's touch, or to see his face, or even hear his voice. I know for at least today none of these are possible, but at least I can go to sleep and dream or close my eyes and imagine.

                                                                                        Truly Missing My Husband,


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