Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A Good Day

I skipped my blog yesterday due to exhaustion. In the week that Robert has been gone I have not been able to sleep. I stay up most of the night praying that I don't miss his call or text. Finally it all caught up to me.  Last night I laid down with Jacoby at around 8:00 p.m. and passed out, fully clothed, contacts in and all. I was so upset when I woke up at 4:00 a.m. thinking I missed him. I frantically checked my cell phone and facebook and there was nothing. At this point I just laid awake worried since I knew he was traveling somewhere in Afghanistan. Anytime he is traveling over there I am overcome with fear and can't help but wonder if he is in danger or not. After about an hour of lying awake I figured I would force myself back to sleep for a half hour before I had to drag myself into work. This would turn out to be a bad idea. About a hour later I was woken up by my cell phone. One of my friends text me to let me know Robert wrote on my Facebook and wanted to let me know so I didn't miss him. I jumped on my phone and realized I missed 5 messages from Robert and he was gone already. The good news he is safe and alive:) The bad news is I feel horribly guilty that I missed him. He is all alone over there and missing us it is the least I can do to be around and wake up for him. But no my lazy ass slept through all of his messages. Every time he leaves I go through so much guilt when I miss a phone call of a message. I am afraid he is going to feel like I don't care or he is unimportant, when in reality I live, breath, and sleep Robert when he is gone. He is on my mind 100% of the day, I never leave my phone, and I don't sleep very often because I don't want this to happen. And here we are he is gone a week and I have already missed him once. Does that make me a horrible wife? With all of that being said I am so relieved that he has made it there safely. I feel as this is one step closer to being with my one true love again.

Yesterday my baby, Donovan, made me proud yet again, it was his honor roll assembly. He got straight A's ( I must say he is one smart cookie). Unfortunately, I have taken so much time off of work due to my emergency surgery, and Robert leaving that I couldn't make this one. I feel like such a bad parent when my job interferes with my son. I should be there for him for everything he does, and I am sure he is going to remember that I didn't go to this and let me know later that I missed it. Since I couldn't make it , and obviously Robert wasn't able to I did send Stephanie with Jacoby so he had somebody. She said he was happy to see her and enjoyed his brother being there. I swear I just need to be a stay at home mom, between Robert and the kids, this whole job thing is seriously interfering. One more year and no more work for me. 

I got back into my routine at work yesterday since it was my first full day in over a week, but by the end of the day I had had enough. I headed home to spend some quality time with my baby boy, Jacoby. It is the best feeling in the world to walk through the door and him welcome me with a big smile and open arms. I can tell he genuinely loves me and it is a truly amazing feeling. I decided that grading papers and other things could wait. With Robert gone he needs me more than ever, so I just spend the afternoon playing with him and showering him with love. We talked (or should I say I talked) about his daddy. I told him where he was, the reason he has to leave, and that he loves him and misses him like crazy. We kissed his picture a ton of times. I pulled up his picture on the computer and asked Jacoby where his daddy was, and he starts smiling and pointing saying da da da. It melted my heart in an instant. I wonder how he is feeling, does he think his daddy left him, does he even notice, is this going to become a normal occurance for him? There is so much that goes along with these deployments I still can't even wrap my head around it. Then we passed out together I am sure both dreaming about Robert. All in all it was a good day.

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