Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Weekends are way too short!

I swear weekends go by way too fast. We (or should I say the kids) had a fun packed weekend and I didn't get anything done, but at least the kids enjoyed themselves. Saturday was an especially rough day for me. I had a horrible tooth ache all night on Friday and wasn't able to get any sleep. So when Donovan came in my room at 6:30 a.m. I was not a happy camper. The first thing I did was found a dentist who was open on Saturdays and made an appointment. Luckily they had an appointment time that worked for me since Donovan had his last baseball game of the season (and I can't miss a game).  Mom, Briana, and the girls joined me to watch him. He did great as usual. I'm sad that he won't be playing another sport until August. I get crazy busy running to practice and games, but he really does enjoy it. I enjoy him being active too. I don't want a kid who just sits on the couch and plays video games and eats junk food. And if you know Donovan's dad you know that he has it in his genes to gain weight, and I really don't want him to be unhealthy like that. So this summer I am just going to make it my job to keep him running around and being active. I am thinking about sending him to camp of getting him baseball lessons between all of our traveling.

After the game I brought Donovan to my mom's house where all of his cousins were playing and swimming. I headed to the dentist in the mall. My first clue that they sucked should have been that they were in the mall. I got there and even though I had an appointment had to wait 30 minutes. Finally the dentist called me back there asked me if I had been under any stress lately. Well yes I have been under stress, my husband and I just lost a baby, he left for 9 months to go vacation in Afghanistan, and my job has been stressful with a new evaluation system, not to mention I have a horrible toothache. He decided that I didn't need an X-Ray that my problem was I grind my teeth. I told him that I have never grinded my teeth. So he started asking me if I had jaw pain or pain in other areas. I kept telling him no it is my damn tooth. He said that the pain was coming from grinding and an ulcer on my gums and sent me on my way. Just great I had to pay for this moron to tell me this. So I went to CVS and loaded up on pain pills and numbing medicine until I could get into a sane dentist on Monday morning. All doped up I headed to get D and take him to his baseball party. We got there and he had a blast they had a pool, a fishing pond, a playground, and a golf card the kids could ride around on. I relaxed and talked to the parents while Donovan played (I left Jacoby with grandma so I could relax a little). I chatted with  the parents and what came up....none other than my hubby. We talked about how he is gone and how the kids and I deal. They all wanted to know his job and why he has to go over there so much. Which is a great question. I told them I had no clue to write their congressmen and ask they why they are doing this to military families so often. Then they wonder why so many soldiers come home with marital problems or PTSD. They are constantly sending them over there and not providing the support they need to, to transition them into normal life. I am lucky that thus far Robert has been able to keep his sanity and our marriage is able to make it through these problems. There are a lot of couples we know that have or are headed for divorce or that they guys have ended up with PTSD. I worry every time he goes over there that one day he is going to come home royal screwed up. Each time he does come home a little different how can I expect him not to. I have no idea what he is experiencing or seeing on a daily basis. I mean we talk and he tells me as much as he can, but at the same time I know he wants to keep me sheltered.  A lot of the dads at the party were saying they couldn't imagine they felt bad because they complain they don't see their wives enough. I told them to go home and give them a hug and a kiss and tell them how much they enjoy them. I haven't seen or heard Robert's voice in about 2 weeks and it is killing me inside. I wish that we were together and got to complain because we only see each other a couple of hours a day or we could have a normal argument about cleaning up a mess in the kitchen.

We left the party and headed to my mom's so D could play with his cousins. They weren't there yet and Jacoby was sleeping so I left them there and headed home to round up their stuff for the night. I decided to take a nap because my mouth was still pounding. I got a little nap in and headed back to my parent's house. All the kids were there for their slumber party and it was getting a little wild. We fed them all and they played in the pool and video games. Then we had them all make cupcakes and brownies. Finally it was time to round them up for bed. There is nothing I love more than having my babies and nieces and nephews together. They always have a blast and I enjoy spending time with them. I feel like we don't do it enough. It is just another thing that makes me miss Robert more. He loves having them all together and throwing them all around:( Usually I would at least pull out Skype so he could see them all, but we don't even have that now.

I finally tried to get some rest but it was still difficult with the throbbing tooth. We woke up on Sunday and let the kids play in the pool for awhile. We then took them to Crazy Frogs and Sonic for lunch. It was a crazy day with 8 kids, but well worth the headache. Briana and Donovan drove them all home and Jacoby and I hung at home. My parents came over and finally put up the dreaded baby gate. It is nice to have that out of the way. Then I went to the grocery store and headed home. Jacoby and I just hung in our pajamas and played while we waited for Donovan  to get home. He finally got home around 9. He got straight in the shower and got ready for bed. He was out cold before I could even give him a kiss and tell him good night. I shortly followed behind him with Jacoby in tow.

Monday morning it was back and at em:( I swear we should have Mondays off too. Nobody enjoys going to work on a Monday anyways. I decided that since my tooth was hurting so bad I would call my dentist and get a real opinion. I called and they were so backed up with emergencies I couldn't get in. I knew my tooth was so painful I couldn't wait another day. So I called my old dentist and they were able to see me at 12:30. I had an easy morning at work since my students were watching Diary of Anne Frank. I left around 10:45 and headed home to change and relax for an hour. Then I headed back to Fort Pierce for the dentist. This dentist told me I need a root canal in one of my back teeth. He gave me pain pills:) and antibiotics and said it should feel better by Wednesday. They scheduled my root canal for a specialist on Saturday. I am not happy that I have to keep this pain until then, but what am I going to do? They also told me that my new insurance only covers about 60% and my portion is going to be about $1500 for the root canal and crown. Great just what I wanted to hear. I went home still in a miserable amount of pain took my pain pills and Motrin and passed out for a good nap. Thank god for Stephanie watching Jacoby:) They came home and I finally woke up feeling much better. It is amazing what drugs and sleep can do for a person. When I woke up I realized I had a missed phone call. One of my friends happen to be at the baseball field and they were paging me saying I lost my credit card there. Imagine that I didn't even realize I was missing a card. I must have been super out of it on Saturday when I was there. I drove up there and there was my debit card. One day I swear I am going to keep better track of my stuff. Then I headed home and hung with my baby boy. When I laid down for bed I gave him my phone with a picture of Robert on it. He started smiling and kissing it and then tried to talk to him. It was so sweet:) I can't wait unil he is hugging his daddy good night again and not just a picture of him.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Busy Busy Busy

These past couple of days I have been super busy and exhausted. I am back to not sleeping:( Luckily between Donovan's activities, spending time with the kids, and work the only time I really have to be sad is at night when I can't sleep. Yesterday after I picked Donovan and Aniyah up we came home ate and got his homework finished. Then we headed back to Fort Pierce for his school Reading Festival. The kids and I really enjoyed it. The teachers were set up through the halls and were reading stories to the kids. They gave out goodies, there were snacks, face painting, and a book exchange. I love that the kids enjoyed it Donovan and Aniyah were excited about every book they heard and about the books they got to bring home. I love that I am raising little readers:) There aren't enough kids in the world who enjoy reading. I can't take all the credit though. Encouraging a boy to read is pretty difficult these days and the most powerful thing they can see is a male figure reading. Since, Robert is a reader to (just one thing I super love about it) it really instill the importance of it in Donovan.

After a great time I loaded up the kids in the car. (Can I just say doing that by myself is a task. Getting 3 or them in there buckled in and the stroller put away is work. This single mom gig is pretty exhausting. Thank God it is only temporary for me.) We headed back to Vero to Grandma's house for dinner. I can not even express how helpful it is to have my parent's around for days like this when I don't feel like cooking or I need a little help with the kids or even when I just need company because I am lonely without Robert. My mother knows how to make some amazing comfort food too, We thoroughly enjoyed our Chicken Curry. I wish I could send some to Robert I am sure he is in major need of comfort food right about now. By the time we finished dinner and bath time at Grandma's it was after 9 pm and time to get the kids home for bed. We headed home I laid down and cuddled with my boys for a little while. I have finally got Donovan sleeping in his own room. I go in there and hang out with him and cuddle rather than telling him to come in my room and it has made it so easy. I miss him in my bed though. It is so easy when you have a husband who is gone all the time to want your kids in the bed with you. I feel a little less lonely when he is in there with me, but once Robert is home I know we need our time alone and at night is the only time we get it. I promised Robert that with this deployment I would work on freeing our bed up. I know how important it is to him, and I know that Donovan is growing up fast and can't sleep with his mommy forever, so I have put my selfish reasons aside and it has been much easier than I thought it would be.  Now it is time to move on  to getting Jacoby in his crib. I must say though this one is not my fault. Robert gets to take the credit for him. Since he knew he was leaving he said he needed as much Jacoby time as he could get, which included him sleeping with us. It is kind of funny to me that he swore before we had him he wouldn't be sleeping with us, that didn't last past the birth though. I can't complain because being able to watch them sleep together and cuddle was priceless. Now it is my job to un-baby our baby though. I have found a solution a couple nights. Jacoby has slept in his brother's bed a couple times and that does the trick, he just really wants somebody near him and Donovan loves having him there. The only problem with that is I need to find something to do when Donovan is with his dad half the week. Good thing I have 9 months to figure it out.

Since  I was up all night last night going to work today was pretty rough. Lucky for me it was an early release day and my kids were watching a movie. I had my final evaluation meeting today, which went well as I expected. The only rough part was when my boss asked me how I was and how Robert was doing, which brought out tears. I don't know when but I get so emotional when somebody asks me about him. It was the first time in two days I cried and here I was doing it in front of my boss. It has been a stressful school year with the new evaluation system and new AP at our school, but I got reappointed and am looking forward to a little less work stress next year.

After work I headed home got the kids and went and got chicken wings for dinner. I gave Jacoby his first wing and he loved it. I had to pry the bone out of his hand and he started to cry. This baby is so stubborn. I tried to take a little nap with Jacoby, but between Donovan, Aniyah, and Adelyn we only got in about 1 hour of rest time. We came home Aniyah in tow because she can't let her Aunt Crystal leave her. We got bathed and in our PJ's and just cuddled up watching TV. There is nothing better than hanging with my kids at home in our PJ's. The only thing that could make it better would be if Robert was here joining us. It is crazy that I can't do anything without wanting him here with us. I really hope that after this deployment there are no more at least for a long time. These are so hard on all of us.

Well I am off to bed we have a busy day of baseball and parties tomorrow.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

A sigh of relief:)

I was so relieved yesterday when I heard from Robert and he let me know that he has made it to his base he will be at. Even though we still haven't been able to Skype or talk on the phone, we are able to chat on the computer. Even though I can't see him or physically talk to him, it makes me feel so relieved to know he isn't traveling anymore and I can hear from him on a more regular basis. At the same time I breathed a sigh of relief, I was devastated by what he has to live in for the next 9 months. He will be sleeping on a cot in a tent and have to have his food rationed. I know I will have to put my busy life to the side and send him a ton of packages to make him as comfortable as possible.

Yesterday was a busy day. I worked, then headed to get Donovan and Aniyah from school. We came home greeted Jacoby, got changed, ate a snack and headed to baseball practice. Because it gets hot out there I dropped Aniyah and Jacoby off to Grandma and headed to practice with D. I am kind of sad that baseball is over, because I love watching him play, he really enjoys it. While I watched him play I got to talking to one of the moms. She commented about how hard it must be to have a husband in the military. I have to agree it is difficult. They are constantly leaving for either a deployment or some kind of a training. It feels like I am a single parent most of the time and sometimes I feel like we spend more time apart than togther, but there is no way that I would change any of it. I hear comments like this quite often. People are always saying "I don't know how you do it" or "I could never do that". To those comments I say you have never truly been in love if you aren't willing to sacrifice. I know and have known since the moment that I met him that Robert, is the one person who was made for me. I know it sounds kid of cheesy, but he is my soul mate. With that being said how could I now be here waiting for him every time he leaves?  I don't want to brag about my husband, but he is a pretty amazing guy and totally worth everything we have to deal with.

I want to finish this blog, but it's getting late and I have to get up super early. These last two days have been pretty busy, but thankfully the weekend is here tomorrow:) So I will continue this post tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A Good Day

I skipped my blog yesterday due to exhaustion. In the week that Robert has been gone I have not been able to sleep. I stay up most of the night praying that I don't miss his call or text. Finally it all caught up to me.  Last night I laid down with Jacoby at around 8:00 p.m. and passed out, fully clothed, contacts in and all. I was so upset when I woke up at 4:00 a.m. thinking I missed him. I frantically checked my cell phone and facebook and there was nothing. At this point I just laid awake worried since I knew he was traveling somewhere in Afghanistan. Anytime he is traveling over there I am overcome with fear and can't help but wonder if he is in danger or not. After about an hour of lying awake I figured I would force myself back to sleep for a half hour before I had to drag myself into work. This would turn out to be a bad idea. About a hour later I was woken up by my cell phone. One of my friends text me to let me know Robert wrote on my Facebook and wanted to let me know so I didn't miss him. I jumped on my phone and realized I missed 5 messages from Robert and he was gone already. The good news he is safe and alive:) The bad news is I feel horribly guilty that I missed him. He is all alone over there and missing us it is the least I can do to be around and wake up for him. But no my lazy ass slept through all of his messages. Every time he leaves I go through so much guilt when I miss a phone call of a message. I am afraid he is going to feel like I don't care or he is unimportant, when in reality I live, breath, and sleep Robert when he is gone. He is on my mind 100% of the day, I never leave my phone, and I don't sleep very often because I don't want this to happen. And here we are he is gone a week and I have already missed him once. Does that make me a horrible wife? With all of that being said I am so relieved that he has made it there safely. I feel as this is one step closer to being with my one true love again.

Yesterday my baby, Donovan, made me proud yet again, it was his honor roll assembly. He got straight A's ( I must say he is one smart cookie). Unfortunately, I have taken so much time off of work due to my emergency surgery, and Robert leaving that I couldn't make this one. I feel like such a bad parent when my job interferes with my son. I should be there for him for everything he does, and I am sure he is going to remember that I didn't go to this and let me know later that I missed it. Since I couldn't make it , and obviously Robert wasn't able to I did send Stephanie with Jacoby so he had somebody. She said he was happy to see her and enjoyed his brother being there. I swear I just need to be a stay at home mom, between Robert and the kids, this whole job thing is seriously interfering. One more year and no more work for me. 

I got back into my routine at work yesterday since it was my first full day in over a week, but by the end of the day I had had enough. I headed home to spend some quality time with my baby boy, Jacoby. It is the best feeling in the world to walk through the door and him welcome me with a big smile and open arms. I can tell he genuinely loves me and it is a truly amazing feeling. I decided that grading papers and other things could wait. With Robert gone he needs me more than ever, so I just spend the afternoon playing with him and showering him with love. We talked (or should I say I talked) about his daddy. I told him where he was, the reason he has to leave, and that he loves him and misses him like crazy. We kissed his picture a ton of times. I pulled up his picture on the computer and asked Jacoby where his daddy was, and he starts smiling and pointing saying da da da. It melted my heart in an instant. I wonder how he is feeling, does he think his daddy left him, does he even notice, is this going to become a normal occurance for him? There is so much that goes along with these deployments I still can't even wrap my head around it. Then we passed out together I am sure both dreaming about Robert. All in all it was a good day.

Monday, April 30, 2012

One Day At a Time

Tomorrow will be one week since Robert left and yet it feels like it has been so much longer already. I am trying really hard to be OK without him, but it feels like everyday is getting harder rather than easier. I pray that this starts to get better soon, but I know to take it day by day and remember some days are easier than others. Yesterday started out as one of the easier ones. I stayed at my parents house on Saturday night, so I was finally able to sleep in. My dad woke up early and took Jacoby so I could get some much needed rest. I slept in until 10:30, which I must say felt pretty dern good. Then Aniyah, Jacoby and I went to Dunkin Donuts to help cheer Mommy up, since for some reason their bagels with cream cheese make me smile:) We then headed home and relaxed a little. I just lounged on the bed and Jacoby and Aniyah had a blast playing in the playroom. I can't even remember the last time I had such a relaxing day. I feel like I am always going a thousand miles a minute between cleaning, sports for Donovan, work, going to see Robert, or Robert coming home. Finally I decided I had to at least go grocery shopping, so we could feed ourselves for the week. Aniyah fell asleep so I dropped her of to Mom and Jacoby and I went and had some quality time shopping at Target and Publix. We got home and I decided that I would install the new baby gate I bought for the hallway. Well this was the turning point in my good day. I never knew a baby gate could make me so emotional, but the fact is I was overwhelmed by the fact that Robert wasn't here to help me install it and my emotions got the best of me. So I put it to the side and decided I can't do it by myself and I will wait for my mom or dad to come over and help me. Before you laugh because you think what a simple task a baby gate really, this baby gate has to be positioned just right and locked in place becuase it is a permanent gate. So in my defense it could use a man's touch. My point with this whole thing is that women who have their husbands around don't realize the little things they do for them like putting up a baby gate, and it is moments like this when I realize how much I want my husband around and to come back home. After this whole incident I couldn't really function to do anything of value so I just snuggled up my baby boy and watched him sleep. It is amazing how much joy is brought to me; I am so blessed to have him. I finally fell asleep dreaming about Robert being home and everything in my world being complete. At least I have my dreams.

Today was one of those rough days. I went back to work after a week off, which was difficult to get back in my groove. I did get to sleep in and cuddle with my little monster a little longer though due to the fact that I took a half day. My amazing son, Donovan, was awarded student of the month for his class, so I took the morning off to go watch him get his award. Being there makes me so proud of him. He drives me crazy sometimes, but I am truly blessed to have him as my son. At his student of the month celebration he gave me a good laugh, which I was in need of. He got called on stage and received his award, and while he waited on stage he fidgeted and looked like he had to go to the bathroom with his mouth puckered. He is so shy, he gets nervous and doesn't like being the center of attention. It is quite entertaining to watch. I realize that I have to work on his confidence or he is going to have some issues when he gets older. I left there and headed to work. On my way to work I held my phone glancing at it every couple of minutes hoping Robert would call or Skype, so I could fill him in on how the assembly went. I am so used to him being just a phone call away, and me being able to share everything with him.  It really is crazy when I think about how much of my life he consumes when he is home. Though out the day we text and talk a dozen times a day, and when he is gone I feel like part of me is empty. I can't pick up the phone to call, and when I do there is nobody on the other line or nobody to receive my text messages. I got to work finally and so began the rough part. Everybody wants to know how Robert is and how I am doing. I want to say great, but I have this rush of emotion when I am asked or when he is brought up. I just want to scream and tell everybody "No I am not alright. My husband just left to fight is a war and put is life at risk, I am not able to hear his voice or pick up the phone and call him, I don't know where he is or if he is safe or OK, I am alone with my kids who miss him and don't full comprehend why he isn't home with us, and I am longing to be touched by him, and to top it off we don't get to see him until January. Do you really expect me to be alright? How would you deal with this if you were in my shoes?" And that isn't even the worst question I am faced with. I finally made it to my classroom where there was a breath of fresh air from my students who seemed to really miss me (not sure if it is because the sub was that bad or they just really love me:))Then some of them asked me why my husband couldn't just say no he didn't want to deploy, and another asked why he had to go over there when the war was over. I had to fight back tears with both of these comments. First, the fact that I wish he was able to say no and have some kind of control over his life, but that  is not how the military works. The second one hurt the most. My husband and a good amount of our friends are over there fighting in a war that people in America don't even realize is going on. The news gives people the impression that it is over, well we are proof it is not over. Quickly I had to squash the questions from students before I became completely overwhelmed yet again. I got into teaching and realized those kids can take away my pain in an instant and for part of my day make me forget what is going on in my life. At times like these I am happy to be a teacher and can truly say I love my job. And just as I say I love my job, it can become crazy stressful and make me not love it so much. In my last hour of the day, I had an informal observation. Really I was just out of work for a whole week, my husband left and the kids knew it, and I had a sub who didn't do squat with my students, but still the AP felt is was necessary to do an informal observation on me (which I think is cruel). It was rough fielding the questions from this kids, calming them down, and getting them back on focus, but I did it and did great on the observation. After that crazy stressful last hour I got a phone call from Donovan's dad asking me to pick him up from school. This brightened my day a little bit thinking I could spend extra time with my boo. I picked him up and we did some homework and picked up Aniyah and Jacoby. Then we headed to the baseball field. I love watching him play sports, but I know how much Robert loves it too so once again I was a little emotional. I wonder if these crazy water works are going to stop soon. People probably think I am a whack job when they see me just randomly spitting out some tears for no reason. If only they knew what was really going on. Donovan did a great job as usual at his game although between the random emotions and my two crazy babies Aniyah and Jacoby my attention span was not the greatest. Jacoby was so cute out there though. Now that he can walk around he is amazed at the baseball game. He cheers and goes to the fence and watches the game. At one point Donvoan was by the fence in the dug out and Jacoby spotted him. He ran over and stared to scream at him and smile the biggest smile in the world. I am so happy they love each other so much I can tell just by the way they look at each other. I pray that the two of them always have that bond and are there for each other to get them through the hard times and the happy times.  Now my day comes to an end and I lie in my bed writing this post. I am longing to feel my husband's touch, or to see his face, or even hear his voice. I know for at least today none of these are possible, but at least I can go to sleep and dream or close my eyes and imagine.

                                                                                        Truly Missing My Husband,


Sunday, April 29, 2012

Starting Point

I decided that since Robert is half way across the world and our family is spread out all over the country I would start a blog. This way Robert feels like he is still here and knows what we are up to, and our family can keep up on the latest going on in the Casa de Carrington's. So here goes our first blog.

Robert left a 9 month deployment to Afghanistan on Tuesday. Even though this is the fourth deployment he is going on it seems like it is going to be the hardest, for several reasons. To start with he used to deploy for 6 months (which was long enough), but our lovely government decided that they should now deploy for  9 months. I know it seems like we do 6 already what is another 3, but by the end of 6 months we are both ready to be together again and this extra 3 is going to be especially hard. This time he will miss summer time, which is the only time we get to be together full time. Plus he will miss our Anniversary, my 30th birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Another reason this is going to be hard is Jacoby is only 1. So much happens in the life a child developmentally when they are such a young age, and Robert is going to miss it. He left and Jacoby was still a baby barely walking and making sounds, he will come home and Jacoby will be running around talking ( no longer a baby). In this first year of Jacoby's life he has become such a daddy's boy. It has been so sweet to watch them bond and they love they have developed for one another. Anytime they see each other each of their faces light up  and my heart just melts. I really hope that I am able to help keep them close through pictures, Skype, and phone calls. I have this fear that after 9 months their relationship won't be there anymore. The final reason this is going to be so difficult is Robert was finally close to home. Since he got to Fort Stewart in Georgia we have spend so much more time together. We were together every weekend and at least every other week we were able to spend more than just a weekend together. We finally got in a good groove of being together and now we won't see each other for 9 months. I felt like when he left part of my heart was taken out, I can't imagine how he is feeling being away from me and the kids. There will be days through this that I don't want to get out of bed and I will just sit there and cry, and there will be days that will be easier than others, but luckily I have two amazing children and my family to help get me through this and distract me. With all of this being said I have come to accept the fact that this is military life and we have to appreciate the time we do have together and be thankful for all of things we have because of Robert's sacrifice.

I hope whoever decides to read our blog enjoys is, and if nobody decides to it is a way for me to get everything out on the days I don't have a husband around.

                                     Truly Missing My Husband,